Fencing Lessons
by ReadySetJett
Summary: Count Volger must teach THE Artemis Fowl how to FENCE! Can he do it? Or will he utterly fail?


Artemis Fowl faced Count Volger with a skeptical expression. The Count held out a fencing sabre, carefully holding it by the blade.

Artemis sighed and huffed in annoyance, "Yes, yes, I understand the basic concept but I never actually cared to try."

Volger glared at him and growled, "Just take the sword." Artemis took a sword's pommel and weighed it in his hand.

"It seems a but too heavy," he commented. Volger kneaded his forehead in annoyance, a vein starting to pulse in his temple. He took his pose.

"Try and copy this stance," he commanded. Artemis raised an eyebrow and, with another sigh, he tried to copy the Count's stance. Volger straightened and circled him, a look of disgust on his face.

"Dreadful!" he exclaimed appalled. "Absolutely dreadful! Even worse the Aleksander's! Or Mr. Sharp's for that matter!"

"I resent that," frowned Artemis. "He's far more the simpleton then I."

Alek blanched, "Hey!" Dylan chuckled and punched the boy lightly on the arm. Holly smirked at Juliet and Butler. The big man shook his head, "He'll never make a fencer or anything of the sort out of Artemis." His sister nodded in agreement.

Butler called out to Volger, "I have the same problem with him. He just doesn't seem to grasp the concept of violence and self-defense." Artemis glared at the manservant out of the corner his eye.

"Butler, I do not need your input at the moment," he huffed indignantly.

"If it helps any," Dylan called. "I can't do it either!"

"Better then this fool," grumbled Volger, then he said in a louder voice, "How do you manege this dummkopf?" He began to nudge Artemis' feet in position and adjusting to arms. "More weight on you back foot...Too much!" Then started to curse Artemis darkly in German.

"You do realize I speak perfect German?" said Artemis uncomfortably.

"Yes," Volger said then blanched as the Irish boy messed up the stance even then. He promptly smacked the back of the boy's head with the flat of his blade, sending up peels of laughter from the audience- even several chuckles from Butler.

"How in God's name did you manege to mess up your stance then?" he hissed.

"Ouch!" Then Artemis glared at him. "I don't know!" Volger started to adjust his limbs again as he glanced over at the crowd that had gathered to watch. There was Aleksander looking particularly smug, Dylan, Juliet and her big brother, Holly, Foaly, Hans Bauer looking particularly nervous next to Mulch Diggums, Dr. Barlow and Klopp looking as if they were struggling not to laugh, and finally Commander Julius Root doubled over and roaring with laughter. Artemis' face flushed indignantly and fell into a perfect stillness. All his muscles relaxed and he emptied himself of his thoughts.

The laughter ended and he heard Aleksander say in surprise, "He's so still. How does he manege it?" Artemis allowed himself a smile.

Then he heard Butler say proudly, "He often meditates. He does this often actually."

Dylan sounded alarmed, "Often? Why does he do that?"

He guessed Butler was shrugging, "It helps him think, I guess."

Volger chuckled, "Maybe you could learn a thing or two, Alek."

Then came Alek's indignant grumble, "Doubtful."

Then Volger asked Butler, "Do you think he'd last an hour?"

Artemis opened is eyes and blinked. An hour?

"No," answered Butler. "He'd get bored."

Volger smiled cruelly, "Let's just see." Artemis glared at him. He decided, that man was no friend of his. An ally maybe, a friend- definitely not.

~ ~ ~

"You may move now," came Volger's mocking tone. "Much better then Aleksander, I must say." Artemis heard Alek grumble something that made Dylan and Bauer chuckle.

"I just want to see Artemis getting hit again!" interjected Holly.

"I agree!" echoed the Commander. "My favorite part." He saw Alek grin widely and nod furiously. Volger looked thoughtful.

"I suppose I could teach you several thrusts and parries," he said.

Artemis studied the man closely. He took several steps away and faced the pale youth.

"This is a balestra," he said and leaped forward and lunged, extending his back right leg and on his bent left. The blade hovered over his heart and made Artemis nervous. The Count straightened.

"Can you ATTEMPT that?" he asked coolly. Artemis nodded and took up the stance, now burned into his mind. Volger scrutinized him.

"Bend you knees a bit," he said. Artemis obliged, bending them more. He glanced at the other briefly. Butler had a look of pleasant surprise. Alek was glaring at him. Artemis turned his head just slightly, enough to give the prince a smug smile.

"Focus!" barked Volger. The Irish boy jumped then adjusted. He remembered the way the Count had moved. He jumped forward and lunged.

"Attack au fer," murmured Volger, side stepping and twisting his blade around Artemis' and flicked hi wrist sending the blade sailing through the air. It landed with a solid THUNK! at Butler's feet. The large man jumped, tense. Without the weight of the sword, Artemis tumbled forward.

"Better then Alek's first try," chuckled the Count and plucked the fallen blade from the floor. "But you might not want to bend your knee so much." Artemis got to his feet, as Holly and Root boomed with laughter.  
>"You've gotten farther with him then I have," smirked Butler with a congratulatory nod.<br>"Not surprising," answered Volger.


End file.
